Teaching

I love teaching. It is a second home for me. I love my students. I have to make a big decision that will affect my students. I have to choose several for leadership positions. This has been a difficult decision for me; one that I have weighed and considered all of my options. A decision that I have prayed that I will make the right one.

The thing is, there are students who are going to be disappointed because they will not received their specific coveted leadership position. I will talk to each on individually and explain the reasons why, but, in the end, I am sure that I will lose some students over this decision.
I have some kids who are ecstatic, truly ecstatic over their new position. They are nervous. They are afraid to let me down. They are worried they do not know enough. I know each of them will be great. They will learn. They will rise to the occasion. They will shine.

They are all good kids. They all deserve a shot at leadership, but some deserve this chance more than others. It is interesting because I firmly believe that not getting what one wants is just as valuable as getting what one wants. I do not think the generation I teach understands that. There is a sense of entitlement. A sense of "If I don't get what I want, then it is your fault."

I even had one student express to me his disappointment and anger over not getting his coveted spot. He told me that he will take the position, but he is not at all happy about it. I asked him, "If you are not going to be excited about this opportunity, then why take it?" I also explained that I have several others who would be ecstatic if I gave them this position. I chose this student because he has worked hard. He did not get exactly what he wanted simply because he does not have the skill set for those positions. I explained that the opportunity in front of him is a stepping stone and that if he was going to take it reluctantly and begrudgingly, I would rather him turn it down.

He kept the position, and I am hoping that he will step up and be the leader I know he can be. However, I cannot deny that I have my doubts.

You do not LOOK Mormon

I have traditionally loved Sundays. People I work with are critical of the three to four hours I spend at church every Sunday. I tell them that it is just what I do. It is a part of who I am. They also get frustrated because I do not partake of the things that they do. I do not judge them. I laugh with them. I go out with them. I do not drink alcohol with them. They know this, yet it frustrates them, and, quite frankly, it angers a few of them. I have spent years trying to figure out why it frustrates them; I have stopped trying to figure this out. I have learned that because I do not look Mormon, some of my co-workers expect me to act as they do.

My students have not always known I was a "Mormon." I make it clear at the beginning of the year that I have certain standards. I do not elaborate unless I am asked. Eventually, I am asked. My first year was the funniest. Throughout the first semester my students learned that I do not swear, I do not drink, I do not smoke, and I have never tried an illicit or illegal drug. At the end of the year, it came out that I was, in fact, "A MORMON."  It was silent when this news came about. The class was shocked. I asked why they were shocked.

"You do not look like a Mormon," was the overwhelming response. This is not the first time I have been told this. In high school when I was baptized. In college when I was inactive and my visiting teachers came over for the first time. (Let me tell you, that is not a way to get to know someone you visit teach.) And even now, my husband and I have been told that we do not look like a "typical Mormon couple." This is an interesting statement that we have heard on more than one occassion.

And even though I most certainly act like a Mormon. Wait, scratch that, there is no "acting" involved.
I live my life in accordance with Gospel standards. My husband lives his life in accordance with Gospel standards. We teach our children to live their lives in accordance with the Gospel. We are Mormon every single day of the week, not just for three hours on Sunday.

I continue to wonder what exactly does a Mormon woman look like? Apparently, not me.

From the mouth of babes...

My youngest son came to me this morning and told me he had a nightmare. He said, "I had a dream that we were in a tornado and a flood, and we were not prepared." Those are his exact words.

My husband and I will be going through our 72 hour kits and food storage tonight.

To teach forgiveness as well as to teach to be forgiven

I am generally a very forgiving person. I do not hold grudges. I do not harbor resentment. I have learned throughout my life that harboring ill feelings only affects me. It does not affect the other person. How can it?They do not know the thoughts in my head. So, in general I am a forgive and forget kind of person.

BUT....
I have been harboring a grudge for some time. It has been a difficult one for me to let go. I have tried, but these two people really hurt me. I thought they were my friends, but friends do not say such mean things about each other. This happened almost a year ago, and every time I think I am finally over it, something happens to slam it back in my face.

I was recently reminded by the still small voice that the Atonement is to teach forgiveness as well as it is to teach to be forgiven.

I heard these words in a talk almost 20 years ago. I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me. I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father forgive me. I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father are merciful. And so I am left wondering, why have I struggled to be loving, forgiving and mericiful to these two people? When I realized this thought this morning in my personal prayer, I broke down in tears. If I cannot forgive these two people, then how can I expect the same of my Savior and Heavenly Father. Why did it take me so long to realize this?

I have felt more peace today than I have felt in a long time.

So I am left with the peace and the remembrance that the Atonement is just as much about teaching me to forgive as it is about teaching me that my Savior and Heavenly Father will forgive me.

Something I read that got me thinking...

I read this yesterday and I have been thinking about it ever since. I thought I would blog a bit about it.


"There is a seventeenth century proverb that reads: 'Believe no tales from an enemy's tongue.' But perhaps we can believe our own examinations of ourselves."

It continues..."If you were choosing someone to trust, could you trust yourself? ... Would you like to be at your own mercy?... Would you like to live with yourself?"

There are admittedly many questions that I left out of the quote, but these are the ones that spoke to me. The other questions were easier for me to answer. Questions like, "Would you hire yourself?" Yes, I am a good worker. I take pride in what I do. I am sincere in my love of teaching. and "If you were your own partner, could you trust yourself? If your partner were to die, would you treat his family as fairly as if he were alive?" Answering both...Yes, I would. That was simple, but the first questions...those are more difficult.

It is sometimes difficult to be honest in a blog, but since I there is not a single soul other than myself that knows who I am, I can write without trying to live up to something. In my personal blog, there is a bit of censorship. I ask, "Do I really want people to know this about me?"

But on this blog, I am merely an LDS woman, who happens to be a wife, mother, and teacher. Fortunately, I know many women with the same titles. So here, I can write without second guessing what I am writing.

Back to the questions at hand. ...

"If you were choosing someone to trust, could you trust yourself?" The answer to this one seems simple; I am a trustworthy person. I trust three people with anything and everything. They trust me the same. However, it is only those three people that I trust. Would I trust myself? That is tough. Yes, I want to trust myself, but am I worthy of the trust that I place in others. This, I am not so sure of. I am not a gossip, but sometimes I feel that I share too much of myself. Is this the type of person that I want to share things with? Again, I am not so sure. I have struggled with talking too much my whole life. Even as a child, I was precocious. I talk. I share. I am trustworthy, for sure, but in looking at my closest friends, they are not like me. They do not talk as much as I do. They listen better. Maybe that is the issue. I need people to listen to me. Would I listen to myself talk? Would I trust someone who talks as much as I? I am guessing, probably not.
Alas...something to work on.

"Would you like to be at your own mercy?" An old friend described me as genuinely kind. She said she hated to use that word, but it fit me. I think I am kind, but I also know that I am a realist. There are times when reason beats out kindness. For example, the educational system in which I live is under tremendous economic stress (and by stress, I mean educational cuts). In my building alone 10+ teachers will find out this week that they will not have a job for the next school year. I do not envy the principal. He has a tough job. This is the part where I am not sure if I would like to be at my mercy. I am a realist. Jobs must be cut. There is no choice. Were it my decision, I would be forced to have difficult conversations with people in my department; with people I call friends. I would do this in a kind manner and would undoubtedly shed a lot of tears. I am a harsh judge when it comes to teaching. I am critical. In essence, I show very little mercy when it comes to teaching and teaching well. If I were to sit back in judgment upon myself the way I judge others, I am not sure I would want to face myself.
Ouch...that one hurt. Yet another thing to work on.

"Would you like to live with yourself?" First off let me say that I love my husband. He is good and kind and patient. I am not patient. I would not want to live with myself. I know that I can be irrational and confusing. I know that I am demanding. So, alas, I am grateful that my husband is not like me. Sadly, I would not want to live with myself, but I am grateful that my husband does!

So there you have it. Honest self reflection on a blog. Now, I must get to work on becoming a person that I might like a little bit more.

Temple

I love leaving the Temple. I know that may sound strange to some, but I do. All too often, I enter the Temple feeling rushed. I try not to feel rushed, yet somehow, rushed is how I feel.

BUT, I leave the Temple at peace. I am not rushing to get my children, to get dinner, to do anything. I leave in peace. I leave more focused. I leave with the Spirit. Don't get me wrong, I enter with the Spirit, too. The 40 minute drive to get to the Temple helps this. I can take the time to talk to my wonderful husband. We can talk about our children. We can talk about the Gospel. We make a conscious effort not to talk about work or our frustrations with the world. We simply talk and let the Spirit guide us to the Temple.

It is a good feeling going to the Temple, but there is a complete feeling when leaving the Temple.

The Right Combination

I was not in the mood to go to church yesterday. I had a bad week between my calling and my job and the collision of the two. All I wanted to do was hide. Be off the grid for a weekend.

But Sunday rolled around, and I felt very strongly that the one place I needed to be was at church. I needed to take the Sacrament. I needed to feel the Spirit. I am grateful that I went.

It was a missionary farewell, and while I enjoyed the talk given by the future missionary, it was the talk by the current young missionary serving in my ward that made the difference. He said,

"There are currently 117 scientific elements, and when they are combined correctly, they can make something really beautiful and amazing. The same can be said of the elements of the Gospel. When combined correctly, they can make something more beautiful and amazing. The first element is faith. When faith is combined, beautiful combinations occur."

I will admit that I was not listening too intently at the beginning of his talk. My mind was wandering. Then, I heard this simple statement, and I was hooked. I began to feel the warm comfort of the Spirit that I needed.

I know that when faith is combined with other elements of the Gospel beautiful things happen. Faith is the first element needed for miracles, but, more importantly, I also know that faith is the first element needed for tender mercies to occur.

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20).

After Sacrament meeting, I sat in the foyer. I sat and talked with a friend about the struggles in my calling and in my work. And then, in a tender mercy, the Bishop came out of his office and invited me to talk with him. I sat and cried in his office. I told him of the struggles that have weighed me down the last two months; teaching, living, and serving in a very small city. The conflict with girls who are both in my classes at school and in my calling at church. He told me that I was on his mind a lot the last two weeks; he knew that he needed to talk to me.

In his quiet and protective manner, he made me feel better. A lot better. He encouraged me in my calling. He told me that he knows I am where I am supposed to be. He told me that the Lord wants me in this calling at this time. He told me that he has witnessed the difference I have made in the lives of the youth. He reminded me that regardless of my struggles, my own two children must come first at all times. He also admonished me to acknowledge my feelings, both good and bad. He told me that it is natural to feel a sense of pride in my calling, but he warned me of the bitterness and resentment that can come from pride. He took words from my heart and my mind and made me understand them.

My worlds may be colliding and even exploding, but I have faith that all things happen for a reason. I am grateful for the reminder that faith is the first element needed for beautiful and amazing things, but more importantly, today I am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord.