Progress

I have neglected this blog for a bit, and I do apologize. I have actually had quite a bit to write about; I just have not had the time. School started for both my children and for me, and things just got a little out of hand for a while. In a good way, but still out of hand.

I love my new calling as a Relief Society teacher. I have learned so much about myself, about the Gospel, and about my family. With each lesson that I read, I have a personal experience to go along with the lesson. This has been a great blessing to me.

I don't know much about my mother's family. For reasons that are unknown, my mother refuses to talk about anything. Records are non-existence. Literally. My mother is from a third-world country and the original records for her family were destroyed in a war. This was before computers, so there are actually no records except those that are in my mother's head. Well, that is what I thought.

Let me backtrack. I have always felt a connection to my maternal grandfather. I have had many experiences where I felt him with me. I knew it was him. When I was a child, my mother would have these feelings and she would share them with me. She knew her father was my malaikat pelindung (guardian angel) as she put it. I have known this my entire life.

Recently, I started feeling his presence more. It is undeniable. And, as the lessons in RS focused on ancestors and the Temple, I knew exactly why he has been closer to me as of late. My oldest son turns 12 before the end of the year. I know that my grandfather is ready for his ordinances, and I know that my son is the one who needs do them on his behalf. My son knows this, too. He feels it just as strongly as I do.

But even with the surety of my feelings, problems remained. I know his name. I know he died. That is all. I had nothing else. My mother thinks she knows how old she was when he died, but even that is a guess. Her family lives across the world, and their memory is just as uncertain as hers.

So I was stuck, but as each day passed and each lesson approached, the knowledge that he was waiting pressed upon me. So, I started searching. Random searches. Anything I could find. I followed promptings that led me to initially promising information, but those turned out to be nothing.

Then, last week as I sat at the computer doing another seemingly endless search through scanned documents from my mother's home country, I had a thought. "Call your parents." I don't know why, but I ignored it. I heard it again. "Call your parents." So, I did.

I called my mom. She wasn't there; my heart sank. Then my dad asked what I needed. Reluctantly, I told him that I was completing pedigree charts for my sons and even though it was a long shot, I really wanted to be able to fill in the blanks of my maternal grandparents. We talked for a bit (my dad is kind of fascinated with genealogy), and then he said, "I might be able to help."

Confused, I asked how...the records are gone, mom doesn't remember. He told me he would do some checking and get back to me. I don't know why, but I was hopeful. He said he would call me the next day.

It was afternoon before I could check my phone, and sure enough there was a message from my dad. He said he emailed me and to check my email.

When I opened my email, the message was simple.

"This was tucked under in some of your mom's old paperwork from her country. I hope this helps. Dad."

Beneath this was the full names of both my grandparents and the year of their births and the year my grandfather's death. I wept in gratitude and felt the peace that comes with assurance. I now had the information I needed to do the work that needs to be done. I felt my grandfather's presence stronger than I have in a long time, and I also felt a new presence. I felt my grandmother standing with him ready for her work to be done as well.

So very soon, my family will go to the Temple and do the work that has been long awaited for the family to which I owe my very existence.

"The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done"

When a student goes off to war....

I love visiting with former students. Watching as teenagers grow into adulthood is one of my favorite things about teaching. Tonight I had a visit from a former student. JJ joined the Marines right after he graduated and is being deployed to Afghanistan for a year. As proud of him as I am, it hurts to watch him leave.

We laughed a lot this evening. We talked about a lot of things. His family. His friends. The girls he is seeing. The things he has been doing while home. The preparations for war he is making. We talked about his job. We talked about my job. We talked about how much he misses his family and friends. About how much he misses being in my classroom with his friends. About how much I miss his class. But mostly, we just talked as friends. Friends who are different, but friends who are close in spite of (or maybe because of) those differences.

I told him the story of the students who told me that I like the "wrong" kind of students. Who told me that I should like the students who share my values: "the good kids". JJ is a young man who doesn't share my values. He drinks, he smokes, he sleeps around, he swears...a lot. But I love him. JJ told me it is a good thing that he wasn't there when the kids said that to me. It made him so mad that people would question which students I like. These kids didn't ask why I like certain students, they just said I liked the wrong ones. So, I also told JJ about the first students who asked my why I like JJ so much. JJ was curious, and he asked what I said.

I told him that I will cry if I tell him. He said, "Don't cry, but tell me." So I told him. "I love you because the moment you walked into my class something told me that you were special. I knew you had a heart of gold. I knew that you would crawl into my heart and stay there, and you did just that. I said that I know that you love me and if I ever need you, you'll be here. I also know that you know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you."

I told him that I have said the following to only a handful of kids, and he is one of them. I said, "JJ, I love you so much because even though I will never know the difference that I made in your life, I will always know the difference you made in mine. You have changed me and made me a better person and a better teacher. I like you and I love you because of who you are underneath everything you portray to the world. That hasn't changed since the moment you walked in my life."

JJ looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I will always know the difference you made in my life, and I love you, too."

So now, JJ leaves for a war. A war that he is anxious to fight. A war from which I pray he returns.

I took a picture with him tonight. He said, "Are you afraid I'm going to die?" I said, "No, I just want your picture because you were a part of my day." In truth, I am terrified that JJ will die. It's not a feeling; it is just a fear. He is going to war. He is going to an active war zone. Of course I am afraid he won't come home.

But, I will sleep well tonight knowing that it is men like JJ who are fighting for freedoms around the world. He has a soul that is as true at God's stars. He has a has one of the most valiant hearts I have ever seen. I am proud to have been his teacher, and I am proud to be his friend.

Back from Vacation!

I just got back from Europe with my wonderful family. It was such a remarkable experience to see other cultures and walk among thousands of years of history.

I have a confession to make...we did not go to church while we were there. We were there for two Sundays and opted to spend those Sundays exploring both the English and French countryside. I really did want to attend at least one LDS service while we were there, but it just did not work out that way. Thankfully, my family was able to feel the Spirit in a myriad of other ways on our vacation.

As a matter of fact, I had many spiritual experiences while I was there. I teach my own children how to recognize the Spirit, and I am always humbled when they share their experiences with me. Because I cherish this so much, I also like to share some of my spiritual experiences with them. It is wonderful to sit and learn from my children.

So today, dear readers, I want to share with you three spiritual experiences from my trip:

I sat in awe of Poets Corner in Westminster Abbey.  I could have spent days sitting among the graves of some of my literary heroes. I could almost hear the inspirational words coming from the tombs. I felt so much peace as I sat on the floor and closed my eyes. Inspired simply does not cover how moved I was. I felt a clarity of my own future goals that I have not felt before. I felt confirmation of the Spirit on so many aspects of my life. I felt encouragement from the silent residents of Poet's Corner. This is a place that to which I will return.

We went to Giverny and toured Monet's Gardens. Of course it was crowded; it is a tourist attraction after all, but that did not take away from the spirituality of the place. My family was able to find quiet places where few people decided to go. To walk among the flowers, waters, streets, and landscape that inspired Monet's talent was incredible. It is so incredible to see so many varieties of flowers, trees, and shrubs in one place. There was a harmony among the nature that words simply cannot convey.

On the streets in Paris we ran into two sets of missionaries. They were both older couples in the center of Paris. I knew before I saw their missionary badges that they were missionaries. There was an unmistakable joy in their countenances. Each couple had been out a little over a year. They shared their experiences learning the language and loving the people. It made me even more positive that I will go on a mission with my husband when we are older.

I could write for days about my experiences. I loved teaching my own children and learning along with them. It was the perfect vacation and one that I cannot wait to do again.

Betrayal

This may not make much sense, but I have to write it if I am going to sleep tonight.

Someone I care for very much was betrayed today. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am hurt on his behalf.

My friend "George" was worried about his friend "Charlie". Charlie and George have been friends their entire lives, and George knew that he had to tell someone his concern. So what did George do? He shared that concern with another friend "Lucy" and me. (We are also incredibly close to Charlie and are in the position to do something.)

George asked both of us to do with the information what we felt was right, but he pleaded with us not to use his name. He asked us to leave him out of it. I understood the gravity of the situation. Action needed to be taken; however, that action could be taken without involving George.

Actually, action was taken, without ever mentioning George's conversation with us. Things were moving along quite nicely, until three days ago. Lucy became angry at me. (I am still not sure why she was angry.) She never called me to talk about it. She didn't return my call after I heard she was angry. But, make no mistake, she was mad and wanted to hurt me. So what did she do?

To hurt me, she told Charlie exactly what George told both of us. She betrayed the confidence of George to get back at me!!!??!!!  Then, Charlie called George and confronted him. (I learned this evening that neither Charlie nor George had anything to do with her anger at me...still not sure what I did, but they apparently had nothing to do with it.)

Did she do this because knowing how much I love George, she thought it would hurt me to see him hurt?

I don't understand. She loves George, too. Why would she hurt him to get back at me?

I feel awful. I did nothing wrong, yet I feel responsible for the backlash on George. I love George very much. He is one of the most important people in my life, and I am heartbroken that his trust was betrayed.

Lucy did not need to say anything. Things with Charlie were moving along as best as they could. But now, everything is a mess. Charlie is mad. George feels betrayed. I feel awful and responsible.

And Lucy feels...what? Happy? Vindicated? I saw her today and her smile was one of sweet revenge.

How does hurting two people we both care about make her feel better?

I am angry beyond words at Lucy. So angry that I want nothing to do with her...ever again.

It was a difficult day to put on a happy face so my own children could not see the anger. They felt the tension. They know something is not right. And I really do not want to tell them what happened. I want to spare them this particular meanness in the world.

A first

In my almost seven years of teaching, I have been to many outside events of students. I have been to happy occassions (baby showers, Courts of Honors, Mission farewells, etc). I have been to too many sad occassions; funerals of students who have died too young. I have seen my students become mothers and fathers. I have seen them graduate from college.

But tonight was a first for me. Tonight, I went to the wedding of a student. What a wonderful first experience this was for me.

This particular student did things the right way. She has never had a baby, and she is not pregnant. She got married because she is in love. They got engaged, planned a wedding, and tonight they will spend their first night living together before going off on their honeymoon this week.

Even though she is young she knew what was right for her. She and her new husband knew that they wanted to get married. They knew that it was right for them. They were ready to start their lives together, and they wanted to do it right.

So tonight, I watched as a beautiful young woman was walked down the aisle by her father, who then placed her hand in her groom's hand. I watched as they both tearfully thanked their parents for raising them and supporting them. I watched as these two young people turned to each other and vowed to love and cherish one another. I watched as they exchanged rings and whispered the words that would bind them. I watched as they were declared man and wife, and kissed each other to seal the wedding.

It is moments like these that remind me what it means to be a teacher. I was one of two teachers she invited. One of two teachers she said made a difference in her life. This was a first for me; a first that I will never forget for many reasons. The wedding had a theme that only 18 year olds could get away with. The bride was quirky in a way that only she is. The wedding was true to who the bride and groom are. And I am grateful to have been a part of it.

Even on summer vacation, today was a good teacher day.

I want to attend Elder's Quorum.

I have decided that I want to start attending Elder’s Quorum. I don’t want the Priesthood. I want to be a part of the Priesthood discussions.


Let me explain.

Yesterday, my husband and I were talking about our respective lessons in RS and EQ. The topic was on Eternal Families. In RS the answers to the questions presented were “prayer, family scripture study, church attendance, service, family home evening.” These are the standard answers I have come to expect from the women in my ward. Of course these answers are accompanied by specific examples of what each family does to shine in these respective topics.

You know the answers, “For our family home evening, we each pick a service buddy for the week. Then each of us has to do an act of service for our “buddy”. We pray about what service we can offer and then go about and offer the service without complaint. It has made our family so much closer. My children are perfect angels who never disobey and they hug each other all the time. We get up at 430 every morning and the children are SO excited for family scripture study. It makes everyone’s day that much better!”

Okay, so I am exaggerating A BIT…But the answers are still the same. The women put on their perfect make-up and tap shoes and dance around the truth in their lives. They say what they think should be said, regardless of whether it is 100% truthful. As long as each woman is perceived as the perfect, righteous, Mormon wife, life in RS is good.

I disagree. Life in the RS room is a big fat lie.

Elder’s Quorum is different. I told my husband what the wives said in RS, and his response, “BULLS***! Their husbands are in EQ and the women are lying.”

He went on to say how the men talk about the fact that their families are all horrible (on different levels) when it comes to family prayer, family scripture study, and family home evening. He said their discussion( yes discussions!) focus on topics that go deeper than the “Primary answers”. They briefly talk about how they rarely do FHE, and when they do, it is a struggle. They talk about how family prayer happens most of the time, but never at the same time or in the same place. They talk about how finding a time for everyone to be home to do this is nearly impossible, and that getting up at 430 am makes everyone mad! Then they stop talking about these topics. They move on.

I am jealous. When talking about Eternal Families, the men talk about things the women would never even think of bringing up. For example, when discussing how to be an example to children one of the men said, “It is important to show my children how much I love their mother. I have to show affection to my wife.” This is a standard answer. A nice answer, but what makes it great is that they took a comment and turned it into a discussion! They talked about physical affection in a marriage and why it is important. I am sure, because my husband did not deny it when I asked, that my husband commented that he does playfully grab my butt when he hugs me. My children see this, and they see us smiling and laughing while hugging. They see that we are in love. The men agreed that their children need to see a level of physical intimacy between their parents. Nothing gross: A kiss, a hug, a playful grab. They need to see their parents in love, both intellectually, spiritually, and physically!

In a later conversation the men talked about sex. They discussed the blessing, yes blessings of marriage. And one of those blessings is sex. One man said that one of the best blessings in his life is that he has only been with his wife. Another man agreed. They talked about how they married their best friends. They honor their best friends. Their men talk about how that example is what makes the biggest impact on their children’s views of families. Again, they did not go into any sort of detail about sex, but they did talk about it as a part of marriage.

In EQ they discuss, they share; they are not embarrassed to speak their own truths. They are not embarrassed to discuss their own shortcomings. In RS, we don’t discuss. One person teaches and has to pull teeth to get a discussion going. And even then the discussion centers around the “Primary answers.” Don’t get me wrong, the “Primary answers” are important, but deeper discussion beyond these answers is a pretty powerful learning tool as well.

So now, as a RS teacher, I have to figure out how to get these women to take off their make-up and remove their tap shoes, and quit dancing around the truths in the room! We are all imperfect and we can learn more from each other’s unspoken imperfections than from each other’s spoken perfection.

Father's Day...

Today, more than other days, I get to celebrate the man I married. I am grateful that he is the father of my sons. This is my Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband.

My sons are so lucky to have their dad. He supports them in everything they do and he loves doing it. There is nothing in the world more important to my husband than raising his sons. He tells them and shows them how much he loves them. He is my sons' hero. They look up to him in everything they do. They look to him as their example in so many things. He laughs with them and he laughs at them. There are so many things about the father-son relationships that I do not get, but my heart is always warmed when I see my sons and their dad together. My sons tell him everything, and even though I am a bit jealous by that fact, I am grateful that my sons are so close to their dad. They admire him. They want to be like him. They love him. I love them all!

My wonderful husband is compassionate. He teaches my sons how to serve.

My wonderful husband is a gentleman. He has taught my sons how to treat their mother and all other girls.

My wonderful husband is funny. He teaches my sons to laugh at themselves.

My wonderful husband has integrity. He teaches my sons that who they are matters more than what they do.

My wonderful husband is faithful. He teaches my sons to trust in Heavenly Father.

My wonderful husband is kind. He teaches my sons to offer kind words to everyone they meet.

My wonderful husband is grateful. He teaches my sons to be grateful for the things they have, and to share what they have with others.

My wonderful husband honors his Priesthood. He teaches my children what is means to be a son of God. He teaches them what it means to be responsible.

My wonderful husband is a wonderful father. He teaches my sons what it means to be a man, what it means to be a human being. He teaches my sons everything that a good father teaches his sons. He teaches them so much more than I can ever write. He teaches by word, by deed, by example, by love.

I am grateful for my children's father.

Happy Father's Day to my sweetheart!